What happens when bad parents take their kids on a plane? Maybe you get the bizarre incidents I saw in a Scandinavian airport a few weeks ago.
One toddler was sprawled across the terminal floor while his mom tried to politely negotiate with him to return to his stroller. A young child was sternly lecturing two adults—probably his parents—as they listened deferentially. And, of course, the screaming infant was in the back of economy class in SAS, and no one tried to do a thing about it.
The experience made me wonder: Are bad children a problem when travelling? Or are they bad parents?
I’ll have the correct answer in a moment. But first, let’s push the rewind button. Earlier this year, I pointed out that the problem of free-range children at the airport had taken a turn for the worse. And this summer, we had plenty of naughty children who travelled beside the ones I met in Europe. They include a boy who stubbornly refused to buckle his seatbelt and caused a one-hour delay on a flight from Santa Marta, Colombia, to Bogota, and a toddler who cried so much on a flight in China that strangers locked her in the toilet to “educate” her.
You can’t help but wonder where the parents are in all this.
There’s a simple solution to this problem.
Well, parenting experts tell me there are ways to know if parents are the problem and ways to fix it.
But before I go on, here’s a quick disclaimer: Flying with young kids is often complicated and stressful, and as a father of three, I know that firsthand. When you see a parent outnumbered and concerned at the airport, they usually deserve your empathy and support.
But not always. Let’s get back to that Nordic airport. Call me old-fashioned, but this dad has an easy solution for misbehaving kids. You scoop your little snowflake off the terminal floor and strap him back into his stroller, where he can resume his tantrum — and you can get to your gate on time. The lecturing kid? That’s funny, but I always thought the parents got to do the talking.
And the infant is having a meltdown? Maybe the Chinese have the right idea. I’m kidding. Give the kid a toy or something to eat. I mean, you can’t eat and scream simultaneously, right?
Are you a bad parent when you travel?
If you’re a parent planning to fly somewhere with young children soon, here are a few questions to help you determine if you need remedial parenting help.
Are you communicating your expectations?
“Setting clear expectations about behaviour can help mitigate issues before they arise,” says Carla Bevins, who teaches business management communication at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business. In other words, if you’re not modelling appropriate behaviour to your kids, then how can they ever know how to behave? By the way, the same applies to passengers seated next to a child with a hissy fit. Bevins says effective communication means using body language, tone, and words that express patience and understanding. “A smile, a knowing nod, or simply making space for a parent struggling with bags and a stroller are small but powerful gestures that show empathy and solidarity,” she adds.
Are you letting your kids cross the line?
“Should parents let their child ride a luggage carousel? Run around the airport unattended or race through the airplane?,” asks Jason Seacat, professor of psychology at Western New England University in Springfield, Mass. “No.” Some lines shouldn’t be crossed. Seacat quickly adds that parenting can be stressful and that other passengers should understand when a parent gets distracted and allows a toddler to cross a line by accident. But if a parent doesn’t care if the line gets crossed, that’s a no-no.
Are you getting unsolicited parenting advice?
That might be a red flag, says Karlee Vincent, author of “Pump or Bust,” a book to help travelling moms return to work after parental leave. “You know pretty quickly if you become the problem as a parent when other travellers start inserting their opinions without trying to help,” she adds. She recalls a flight with her daughters, ages 6 and 10 when they started fighting over a tray with someone else’s stuff at a security screening area. The tray flew off the conveyor belt and onto the ground in the scuffle. She felt everyone in line wanted to give her advice while the TSA agents watched her disapprovingly, with their arms crossed. “Traveling with your kids isn’t for the faint of heart,” she adds. No, it isn’t.
Yep, sometimes parents are the problem.
Here’s my takeaway from all this: When kids misbehave on a plane, maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to blame them. Perhaps we should be holding their parents accountable.
If only we could agree on what constitutes appropriate parenting. Thomas Plante, a psychology professor at Santa Clara University, says we live in a world with various approaches, including the ones I witnessed in Scandinavia.
“Some parents are completely hands-off and not that concerned when kids misbehave while traveling,” he says. “Others are very attentive and perhaps even controlling. It is easy to get very frustrated and angry with parents when their parenting style doesn’t match your own.”
Still, it’s a debate worth having, even if some of my readers don’t want to have it when Eileen Gunn edits the family travel website FamiliesGo! I heard I was working on a story about bad parenting and travel, and I got a scolding.
“I’m dismayed and disappointed,” she told me in an email. “Articles like the one that you seem to be working on help make it easier for people to think kids and parents are fair game. Parents and grandparents trying to travel with kids have it hard enough without a major syndicated columnist shaming them.”
I’m not so sure about that. As a parent, I can tell you that no article would have stopped me from booking a flight with my young—and not always so well-behaved—kids. I suspect that’s true for her, too, and for you.
So whether you’re a permissive or strict parent, do the rest of your passengers a favour when you get to the airport during the holidays: Please mind your kids.
Written by: Christopher Elliott
BIO:
Christopher Elliott is an author, consumer advocate, and journalist. He founded Elliott Advocacy, a nonprofit organization that helps solve consumer problems. He publishes Elliott Confidential, a travel newsletter, and the Elliott Report, a news site about customer service. If you need help with a consumer problem, you can reach him here or email him at chris@elliott.org.
